Everything Everywhere All at Once

The 👀 and 👀 of newsletters is 👀👀👀👀👀👀. But fear not: We’ve got a spoiler-safety program if you need it.

Welcome to Spreadlandia, where two veteran editors read it ALL to winnow out only the best: juicy yarns, big ideas, deeply personal essays, and hot goss—aka, the full Spread. Plus: original interviews, podcasts, and more. Come hungry!

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Spread champs,

You won’t be shocked to hear that all we can manage to talk about at length right now is Nathan Fielder and Lance Oppenheim’s record-breaking, mind-boggling, truth-rocking, industry-changing Elizabeth Holmes film. But we cannot—will not!—spoil this movie for you if you’ve yet to see it.

So we’ve come up with a novel (to us) idea. If you’ve watched the movie and are ready to rumble, click: The Ultimate Spoiler-Packed Spread Guide to You Can See Everything.

Otherwise, enjoy this week’s Spreadiest reads below. Though honestly we’d prefer for you to drop everything and go to a late-night or early-morning screening of the movie instead! Trust: you don’t want to be sitting on the sidelines of this cultural moment. Regardless, once you’ve exited the roller coaster and are ready to process, we’re here for you.

Always disruptin’,

Rachel & Maggie

P.S. At ease! Something we will not be covering this week: Thee Victoria’s Secret fashion show

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✨You’re Safe Here! Not a Single Elizabeth Holmes Spoiler Lurks Below! ✨

AI slop has never read this good before.

Our beloved Jean Garnett, who has never written a word we didn’t bring straight to Spreadlandia, has resurfaced in the Paris Review Daily to introduce us to a new kind of avatar: The Pixar-esque illustrated woman who is inconsolably weeping in skincare ads in her Instagram Reels. Whether she’s “in the bathroom, or at the wheel of her car, or at her son’s soccer game,” the poor thing just can’t stop cryin’. Why so sad, lady? Well, she’s aging. And so of course her life is falling the eff apart. Each “Aging Woman Emomercial (AWE)” is a complete telenovela, beginning with a juicy hook: “‘This is the story of the day he walked away.’ Or ‘My ex-husband walked in with the woman he left me for, young enough to be our daughter.’ Or, in one case where the woman is Black, ‘I ran into my baby daddy at daycare drop-off with the bitch he left me for.’” Good news: All Garnett has to do is “take one sip of this mushroom beverage,” and “cute little probiotics will go tra-la-la chimney sweeping through my intestines like Dick Van Dyke, making [her] positively glow with inner cleanness.” At least we know that, so far, AI hasn’t figured out how to make writing this good.

Read “The Uncanny Catharsis of the AI Emomercial” here.

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BLERGH.

We weren’t sure we could make it past paragraph #2 of Sophie Haigney’s intrepidly reported story for the New York Times Magazine about the stomach-churning world of “dark nutrition” (think: Measles-vax opponents, but for food). Here goes: “The brain slithered as she pulled it from its container and held it up for me to admire. Then, as though it were a juicy apple, she took a bite of the raw meat. ‘Mmmm,’ she said. ‘This is so good.’” We’re talking about a loose coalition that believes that everything we think we know about food is wrong—yet can’t quite agree on what is right. Don’t get the “Peaters” started on the Carnivores, hoo boy!

One good thing about the new rules: They’ll definitely save time in the kitchen!

1. Animal fat, good: Red meat, butter, and heavy cream are health foods.

2. Weird animal fat, better: Liver, heart, kidney, tripe, brain, testicles.

3. Cooking, bad: Raw milk, raw butter, raw beef, for some even raw chicken or fresh roadkill. Raw eggs become a dip, a drink, a condiment, you name it! (Can’t find raw butter? Look for it labeled as “pet food.”)

4. Broccoli, the worst: Plants defend themselves with toxins, so they’re out.

5. Sugar? Go for it: Orange juice in the morning, Mexican Coke at lunch. And how about stirring a little honey into that raw ground beef?

Read “The Proponents of ‘Dark Nutrition’ Think Everything You Know about Food Is Wrong” here.