It's an American… Something!
The apple pie and baseball of newsletters is close-reading a comeback, popping another lorazepam, and channeling our inner Brit.
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Spreadstars,
Let’s say it together: Wow, that happened fast! We thought we’d have to wait until at least 2026 for the gift of Olivia Nuzzi to keep on giving again. But lo, just in time for the holidays: Her literary personal history-slash-“account of the warping of America,” American Canto, is on its way to the printer (it pubs December 2, and if you’re going to pre-order, please do so from the Spread Bookshop here). We decided to take a page from (i.e. rip off entirely) Emma Specter’s addictive Vogue column and share “40 Thoughts We Had While Reading the New York Times’ Nuzzi First Look,” which captured the “modern iteration of a Hitchcock blonde” cruising around LA in her Mustang convertible—and had the chattering classes (hi) stackin’, tweetin’, and ’castin’ at breakneck speed. There is also the bonkers book excerpt in Vanity Fair (with a photoshoot almost identical to the Times’ shoot); play-by-plays in the Guardian and the Washington Post; and Slate rehash so deep that we needed a shower after reading. But for us, it was the Times Styles story that took the cake. Read along with us here.
[Friday afternoon, fifteen different people text us the link to the story, all at the same moment.] Oh boy oh boy oh boy! A Red Ryder carbine action, two-hundred shot range model air rifle!
Is this a spot for Celine eyewear? Or wait, the Ford Motor Company? It’s a Mustang ad, surely. Or maybe Rolex? Where is a Matthew McConaughey voiceover when you need one?
Oh, to be flies on the wall during the meeting at the Times where somebody’s like, “I know, let’s put her in the driver’s seat!”
How many times has RFK Jr. watched this clip?
How many times has Cheryl Hines watched this clip?
Cheryl Hines is friends with Tig Notaro but also Linda McMahon. Nothing makes sense.
Literally any woman writer they could have assigned to this would be far more judgmental. Or at least skeptical. Or you know, journalistic.
How would a Spready woman write about the phenomenon of Olivia Nuzzi and her erotic capital? We hope to find out in the coming weeks.
Nope, can’t do it. Even for the sake of our Spread readers, we cannot linger on an unbearable intro about love and the “blue as a flame” eyes of the man who might be the reason we all get measles at Disney World this year. Scrolling on!
The sheer ballsiness of calling this book American Canto.
Dude, we’re not getting any proof—no text messages, no receipts? Dare we call that a bit… Trumpy?
Avid Reader Press does love a hot blonde who declines to provide backup.
The fact that the writer met Nuzzi “sitting under a pine tree in Los Angeles last month.” So specific, so utterly random.
Yep, copies of the King James Bible and The Divine Comedy are just resting on my dining room table, too! Nothing to do with a Times reporter dropping by!
How is this woman still only 32?
How was she only 24 when New York hired her as its Washington correspondent?
What would have become of this story if Nuzzi wasn’t a “Hitchcock blonde” with what looks to be a 19-inch waist?
Reimagine the digital affair between RFK Jr and someone age appropriate and salty like, say, Maggie Haberman.
To what extent did Olivia Nuzzi herself stage direct this interview, the setup, this landscape1, this black leather jacket, this choice of writer? Like, omg, is she in the driver seat on this whole thing?! Is she…a genius?
Gosh, it would be to fun read Nuzzi-style reporting—dishy, sly in a way that pretty much nobody else is doing these days—on Trump 2.0.
“What is a politician?,” she writes in the book. “Any man who wants to be loved more than other men and through his pursuit reveals why he cannot love himself.”
Man men man men man men….
Enter from stage left, ex-fiancé Ryan Lizza.
Nuzzi, Lizza, Nuzzi, Lizza, Nuzzi, Lizzzzzzzzzz
The height of her intimacy with RFK Jr was watching him floss on Facetime?
If a tree falls in the forest and exchanges a lot of texts but never gets laid, can you call it a sex scandal and write a whole book about it?
She knew he took drugs that deliver “near death experiences.”
She knew he was 39 years older.
She knew about the bear carcass.
And the worm which he seemingly only knew wasn’t a worm because the New York Times reported it.
And yet “she liked him just the way he was.”
“If it’s just sex, I can survive it,” he told her. Oh he is an actual Kennedy after all.
“Bang Bang (My Baby Shot Me Down)” casually cued up on her Spotify playlist. ✔️✔️
Did we already know that “mentor” Kara Swisher was the one who ratted her out to the New York higher ups?
Thank god we are not getting too deep down in the muck of Nuzzi v. Lizza.
But also…it doesn’t seem possible that LIzza will docilely give her the last word. [Cut to Monday’s Substack post, “Part 1: How I Found Out,” which includes a whole raft of new accusations].
So Nuzzi’s book about her affair pays off the shared Lizza/Nuzzi debt to Avid? (Booky folks, please call our 24-hour tip line at 1-800-SPR-EADY.)
She got hired as Vanity Fair’s West Coast editor before she told them she was writing this book?
Bam, Mark Guiducci! Suddenly everywhere, all at once.
Should we write her a thank-you note? This is too much fun.
On Friday, we would have called this round for Olivia, but so much can happen in the life of a political scandal over the course five long days. Add one unearthing of a popstar alter ego named Lizzy and a new Mark Sanford rumor thrown onto the fire by Lizza (who wants you to know he’s having THE BEST YEAR OF HIS LIFE and that he once built a shoe rack for Nuzzi). Now who’s actually seating chart seems slightly less clear.
Jesus, take the wheel.
Rachel & Maggie
P.S. Actual press release subject line of the week: “Do You Argue with Your Partner More in Winter? 6 Proven Foods to Stop”
PPS: If you’re having fun here, please hit that ❤️ button!
We’re just getting warmed up! Also in this issue:
The real life Victoria Ratliff, at your service
Hilma af Klint, controversial cool-girl artist of the moment (d. 1944)
Big Child-Free Energy
How to deal with your parents’ 17 sets of china.
Through the “Looker” glass
Tina Brown, in the house
Patti Smith, on the mic
A catastrophic event that will definitely impact your kids (how’s that for fearmongering?)
Lena Dunham unrolls the tape
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